Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
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Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Okay me first
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Swedish for common sense.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.