It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
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“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?