—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
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sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
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LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.