Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
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US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
What about second breakfast?
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
How times have changed.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!