Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
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The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
#MeanwhileinCanada