{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
You Might Also Like
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
WHY would you be happy about this?
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.