#growingpains
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My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*