Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
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[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.