“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
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When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”