The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
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[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
My dad is at it again
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.