no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
You Might Also Like
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Okay, I’m still confused…
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake