Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
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Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.