My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
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ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…