*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
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“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?