I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
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[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.