Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
You Might Also Like
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good