Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
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Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I can also cook 😂
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.