my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
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I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.