“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
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I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets