[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
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Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
an octopus is just a wet spider
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Woke up against my better judgement again
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow