The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
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Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.