Happy weekend !
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[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing