Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
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Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
My typo game is string.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.