One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
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every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.