Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
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saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]