As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
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Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.