Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
You Might Also Like
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.