Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
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Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve