What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
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Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.