If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
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How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job