Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
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Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?