me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
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I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye