I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
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“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless