Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
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I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies