My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
😏😏😏
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.