After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
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Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.