Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
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Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn鈥檛-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Insomnia is just your brain鈥檚 way of telling you it鈥檚 secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.馃寧鉂わ笍馃Ъ馃寧
I bought jalape帽o chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
me: this year i鈥檓 giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I鈥檓 at work
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it鈥檚 like being at the zoo but you don鈥檛 feel bad the whole time
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.