Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
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Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.