I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
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My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I know this now 😂