If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
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*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?