people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
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you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists