ed has no gf cuz sheran away
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young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE