I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
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Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
When you’re Kinky but poor
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.