Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
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My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.