Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
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3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!