[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
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I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
want me to check your oil?
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me