The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
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oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night