Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
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Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Lassie, get help!
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Sign at work today
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.