[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
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My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.