Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
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I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
dream blunt rotation
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
The “baby” on the left….
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
58.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.